Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.