“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
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I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.