Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
You Might Also Like
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Put a ring on it
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.