If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Blew out my flip flop…
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”