Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.