why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
So true for me
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.