40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Happy thanksgiving!
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop