Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
You Might Also Like
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny