detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.