God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
how was your vacation
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in