My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
You Might Also Like
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
lmao
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
love it when they get my name right
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*