I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.