Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
okay run it by me one more time
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Anyone really
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes