*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high