WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Confused owl: What?!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why is no one talking about this?!
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
October already? What’s next? November????
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…