[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You Might Also Like
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”