[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Where is your GOD now????
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing