My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.