Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
selfie game
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Hank is one in a melon.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Every time.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.