pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
You Might Also Like
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Who chose this font
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.