therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?