God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”