I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Still laughing at this stupid meme