My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
doing your own taxes
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.