Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
(by @ZachWeiner )
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.