[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.