Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I got bills
They’re multiplying
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs