CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror: