[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
December birthdays be like…
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.