Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.