Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
did it work
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”