I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?