Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Anyone really
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*