me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
meow
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker