If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures