“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
😅🤣😂
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.