I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.