I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
stop