It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
This is me 🤣🤣
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.