“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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I put the hot in psychotic.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.