The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Flock of bats
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem