Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag