Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
No. YOU-buprofen.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Everything reminds me of my ex
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.