My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Thursday
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.