[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.