I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’M CRYINGGG
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited