One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
#SaturdayBears
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.