The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …