Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Batman v Dracula
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law