MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Lmao 🤣
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
blocked.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Love this one 😂🧟
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch